oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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