in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
