I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
