Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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