im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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