ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
