I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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