My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
