Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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