I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
