Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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