Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
