I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
