i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
