Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
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