I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
