The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm determined to sit on that face.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
