This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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