I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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