You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
