Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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