drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
