We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
