I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
