oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
