I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
