oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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