if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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