Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
