i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
