life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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