the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
