Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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