you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
