Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
