if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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