Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
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