When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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