Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
