i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
