Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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