Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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