I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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