apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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