i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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