I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
