Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
