Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
