My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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