My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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