Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
