Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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